Sunday, May 12, 2013

The Journey of Motherhood



 It's hard to believe that a little over 10 years ago I was just stepping out into the journey of motherhood. Eighteen years old, I was totally unprepared, but I've come to realize that no one, no matter what their age, is prepared for such an event.  Parenthood changes a person.  It doesn't just leave an imprint, it completely wrecks the person and life you once had.  At times, we may feel that's a negative thing, but the truth is, it is a beautiful thing. 


I think we've all heard someone say, "I'm not going to let kids change me. I'm still going to ______."  But the reality is children turn our lives upside down, and no amount of putting your foot down or demanding that it not be so is going to change that. I find that people who stick with that statement often end up walking away from their children (and spouse) altogether because they will not allow motherhood do to the molding and changing and shifting it was meant to perform within us.

While is it a beautiful thing, it usually doesn't look beautiful. It looks like constant messes and blow out diapers and bags underneath your eyes much of the time. I've been changing diapers for ten years now, day after day, and sooner or later, it just become the norm. It no longer becomes about whose turn it is to change the poopy pants, or whose turn it is to get up with the baby. Eventually, one succumbs to the idea that this is her life, and as monotonous and glamourless as it may seem, it's not all that bad.

Motherhood tends to stamp to bits all those thoughts and ideas we had about parenthood. When your child is pitching a fit in the middle of the store, and you find yourself embarrassed and wondering how to handle it, you realize how often you had judged those people before who were in a similar position.  You realize there is no one-size-fits-all method of parenting, and that sometimes love is just not enough.

And I'm not saying we shouldn't love our children, because, yes, we should, but love doesn't always sooth every pain or turn their hearts or change their minds.  Motherhood teaches us more about ourselves because our children are such a reflection of who we are, which is often summed up in the words stubborn and selfish. When you find yourself wondering why they keep going through the same behavior cycle, you realize that you too go through behavioral cycles... we just don't normally throw ourselves to the floor or stomp our feet and cry or scream. And motherhood, well, it also makes you really thankful for bedtimes.
Motherhood stretches us because it's an impossible job. You will not have everything figured out, and if you think you do, just wait until your children grow up and are able to tell you all the things you overlooked or misjudged or did wrong.  Motherhood has made me realize I need a Savior, and that, boy, am I grateful for grace.. because not only do I need it, but my children do too.  Motherhood is a struggle to make sure our children turn out okay, and then realizing that we don't have full control over that in the first place.  (Which makes me grateful that it's not up to me to "save them"- that's up to Jesus!)

Motherhood is exhausting, draining, and frustrating, but it also comes with these delightful moments that make all of that worth it- like when you see your child take her first steps, or your son begins to read, or all of the kids pitch in to make a big card exclaiming, "Mom you the best! I love you!"  Motherhood tests our patience, shows us our weaknesses, and makes us realize we really can't be superwoman.

And it doesn't matter whether you have one child, four children, or ten. It's the same all the way across the board.  Really, motherhood is like a meat tenderizing hammer. It pounds and pounds and pounds at us. No lie, it's painful, but it softens us. It changes us. 

As I think about having my sixth child next year, I have a flurry of thoughts. First of all, I'm not even thirty, and I'm going to have six children?  I did not see my life going like this when I started this journey! I thought we'd have two, maybe three, at most four. Never even considered six. Right now it doesn't even seem real.  And January seems a long way off.

I no longer think about whether I can do it, because, at this point, it just because something you do.  People often say, "I don't know how you do it," but the simple answer is, "I just do."  It's like when your kids are sick and need their mommy. You don't weigh on whether you are going to cuddle them, give them medicine, clean up their sick-mess, or get up in the middle of the night to make sure they are okay. You just do it. Because it's what you do.  It's one day at a time, one moment at a time, one foot in front of the other.  If we get to thinking too far ahead it gets overwhelming.  When I start thinking about all the things they have to learn, know, do, accomplish, etc before they officially graduate into "the real world," it can seem very daunting, especially as a homeschooling parent. But the beauty of it is that I don't have to think about how I'm going to do it for the next five years or ten years or eighteen years. I just have to be right here, right now. 


Happy Mother's Day to all of you!

(Also, I want to say Happy Mother's Day to all those mothering hearts who have struggled with infertility and loss. You are on my mind today!)



Speaking of the joys of motherhood- Molly Jo decided that she was going to start walking everywhere! It's so funny and cute to see this tiny little critter walking all over the place. She's such a scrawny little thing! (She's wearing 6-9 month clothing, and can still fit some 3-6 month things. In fact, her pants are 3 month size.)

The other day, my friend Kristin shared this hilarious photo on Facebook- someone had drawn silly eyebrows on their baby, and I just had to do it as well because.. um, it's funny.



Tuesday, May 7, 2013

It is for freedom that I've been set free!




(Copy/pasted from a letter I sent to my brothers and sisters in Christ.)

I spoke with Brandon when he got home from the men's meeting last night, and he shared something that Scott said. Now, I can't quote what that was- in fact, I can hardly remember it, but Brandon shared a verse Scott shared (also can't remember that, ha) and it instantly left this impression on me:

I am free to choose.

That simple impression is so much more than it seems.  Previously, I took that "free to choose" idea, and thought, "Hey, I'm free to follow the law now. I'm free from sin, and I can now fulfill the law!"  Whenever I read the verses in the bible on being freed from sin, I believed that I was now capable of following the law. (Somehow I didn't see the verses, or maybe just didn't understand them so I by-passed them, on being free from the law as well.)

Anyway, last night, the impression of being free was so much more than that, and I guess I just went to sleep holding on to that rather than picking it apart and looking at it every which way as I tend to do.

This morning I decided to open my bible.... which, um, I haven't done in a while because every time I open it it just seems like words on a page, so I get frustrated and, admittedly, have felt like chunking it across the room. (Sorry if that offends anyone.)  Let me back up a little.  I usually feel like chunking it across the room because I read it and don't feel like God is speaking to me at all through the scripture, and so I continue to feel stuck and in my rut.  My frustration builds, and I just want to throw my hands up in the air and give up.

But, when I woke up this morning, several things were really clear to me (before I even looked at my bible on the night stand).  

First of all, many of us have chains in our lives.  We don't realize that the lock that held these chains around us has actually been completely removed.  Speaking for myself, I realized that I see myself as been bound, even though I am not bound. I don't really know what it was about that impression last night (of being free to choose) that led to a simple realization this morning, but clear as can be this morning I understood that God has a plan and purpose for me, and He is not going to leave me as I am.  

I have been really frustrated that I am not "getting" some things that I feel I MUST get (spiritual wisdom). So I have been trying to "get it" which has only left me flustered! This morning I realized that I can trust that, while I do not yet KNOW beyond a head-knowledge the things He is trying to teach me, He will reveal it to me soon, and I will truly "get it".  It is not His desire to dangle truth in my face and withhold it from me.

The reality is that I cannot make myself understand spiritual things. I may be able to inspect them with my brain, but I cannot truly grasp them with my intellect (the flesh cannot understand the things of the spirit). No amount of rolling it over in my hands and trying to hammer it into my heart is going to work, but somehow I think if I just keep inspecting, keep hammering it, I will get it!

I realized this morning that my duty is to trust God and wait for His revelation, knowing that He is not going to leave me as I am, and that He truly desires for me to know Him better and be able to enter His presence.

So, as I opened my bible this morning, I felt like the Lord really spoke to me through His word... which hasn't happened in what feels like a long time.  Here are my notes:

I am free. I now have the power to choose! That choice isn't whether or not to follow the law, but whether I shall live according to the flesh or the Spirit. I do not have to obey my fleshly desires or carry out the inclinations of my flesh and thoughts as I once did (Eph. 2:3).  "For we know that our old self was crucified with Him in order that sin's dominion over the body may be ABOLISHED, so that we may no longer be enslaved to sin, since a person who has died is freed from sins claims (Romans 6:6-7)."

I can now choose to offer myself to God rather than allowing sin to reign in my mortal body. "For sin will not rule over [me], because [I am] not under law, but under grace (Romans 6:14)."  I have been LIBERATED from sin (Romans 6:18, 22)!!!!  This is really, really amazing!!! Satan often tells me I cannot resist the pull of my flesh, but that is a lie.  I am not obligated to the flesh to live according to the flesh (Rom. 8:12)!!!!  

I feel like I have received this revelation in many, many different ways over the last year and a half, yet it seems to slip through my fingers so easily.  I'm not sure why that is- maybe because some things I only grasped with my brain? Maybe I "got it" but then started sticking some lies to it as well?  Not really sure, and I don't want to spend time analyzing it!

It is just really clear right now that, in my day to day walk, even when the pull of my flesh is so, so, so strong, I have the ability to choose.  (Often, the temptation is to just "check out" and go through the motions rather than to be present, to engage, etc in my family life... this is where I feel most discouraged and see my flesh the most, and where I often give in because I feel so powerless, worn down, etc.) Using my typical struggle as an example, this choice isn't between whether I should just give up and check out  verses whether I should suck it up and push through.  That's just the bad side of my flesh wrestling with the "good" side of my flesh.  I see it as a choice to surrender to the Spirit, even when the temptation is so, so strong, and I feel so weary, frustrated, etc.

I feel like I have seen pretty clearly how the pull of my flesh is so strong that it feels like there is no other choice but to give in.  I have believed that there is something wrong with me, and I certainly must be missing some spiritual gift because I am not able to resist my flesh.  That leads to all sorts of questions.  Am I really saved? Do I have the Holy Spirit? Is God withholding a key ingredient I need to live for Him?

This is my tendency- to feel like I am missing a spiritual gift, that, in reality, I have had all along, or, to feel like God has not broken to smithereens all the locks on my chains.  I really felt like I was able to shake off a bunch of chains today, which was very liberating. (Key word of the day: LIBERATION!)

What a relief to SEE that, because of Jesus Christ, I am able to resist the flesh by resting in the Spirit, no matter how loudly the flesh screams, no matter how insistently it pokes and jabs, no matter how often it chants, and no matter how convincing it sounds.  

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Jesus, the Savior in our Sufferings


"As I read my Bible last night after falling into bed, the Lord continued to take me to the miracles of Jesus. And something I have never noticed before really stood out.  The Bible tells us of Jesus magnificently raising Lazarus from the dead, healing numerous deathly ill people, and feeding thousands.
   What the Bible does not mention, but what must be true is that, years later, Lazarus still died. The people Jesus healed were inevitably sick again at some point in their lives. The people Jesus fed miraculously were hungry again a few days later. More important than the very obvious might and power shown by Jesus' miracles is His love. He loved these people enough to do everything in His power to "make it better." He entered into their suffering and loved them right there.
   We aren't really called to save the world, not even to save one person; Jesus does that. We are just called to love with abandon. We are called to enter into our neighbors' sufferings and love them right there."   -Kisses from Katie, Katie Davis

It's easy to forget these things. Whatever stage of life you are in, whatever the area or circumstance God has called you to minister in, these truths stand.

We aren't called to save the world.  Mothers, we are not even called to save our children.  As much as we wish we could, the reality is, Jesus alone is Savior. While this may, at times, make us frustrated (that you have no ability to change the heart of your child, your husband, your mother, your friend, your co-worker, or that neighbor down the street), it's also such wonderful news that releases us from a great burden.

We are vessels, and the Lord desires to flow through us.  He doesn't ask us to save the world. He asks us to trust Him. It can be so discouraging to see your own faults and shortcomings, wondering how you are ever to help another when your own life can be so messy or maybe because there's so much work to be done. But the beauty of it all is the grace with Jesus Christ lavishes on us all, whether we see it in the moment or not.  He enters into our sufferings, and we enter into others' sufferings.

Suffering is normal, and in this lifetime, it is to be expected.  This doesn't mean that God isn't good, or Jesus' work isn't finished. God isn't wringing His hands wondering why His creation has gone so terribly bad.  He is still on His throne. He is still in control.  And He is always there to offer relief. It may not be in healing physical sickness or raising the dead to life (although, it could be!), but He always offers peace and joy in even the worst of moments and darkest hours.  And, for me, I love to think that His peace and joy aren't just for the deep dismal depths, but for the every day moments- when diapers explode, the chicken is over-cooked, your toddler chops half of her hair off, you wreck the family van, your lock the keys in the car, or the dog barfed all over the carpet.  Jesus is there, even in these moments that cause our blood pressure to rise and the day to turn sour.  When your daughter is sick again, or your son has poison ivy, or your three year old is struggling with asserting his will power and disobedience and it seems never ending, Jesus is there in their sufferings and yours. Nothing is too small. Nothing is too big.

Lord, help us see you in all the moments, pouring yourself out as you enter into our sufferings.  Remind us that we aren't called to be saviors, but messengers of Your beautiful grace. Let us not be discouraged when we find ourselves in the same situations, battling the same battles, exhausted with the same struggles. Remind us that our own strength will fail, but Yours will not. May your love flow through us in even the simplest, basic of ways- tending to sick children, changing diapers, feeding husbands, consoling a friend, bringing a meal to a family, or visiting the elderly.  Let us not get caught up in thinking that Your work is always something big and mighty looking on the outside.  I thank You that you were not above doing small, menial tasks like washing feet, and You had time for even the young children.

When we feel like our work is constantly being undone, may be reminded that sometimes yours was too, but the work on the cross stands forever, and Your love is everlasting, and it is that very love that leaves a lasting imprint.


Thursday, April 4, 2013

A taste of my mother's life

I've been sick for the past four days.  Well, actually seven, because it all started Friday when my eye became swollen.  Sunday, my whole body started feeling bad, and by Monday, I realized I had managed to come down with strep throat.  (Exciting times around these parts.)

These days of being sick have taken a toll on my body, but especially on my mind.  When one can't do much except lay in bed, well, one goes a little crazy... at least, this one does.

I have found myself sobbing, begging God to heal my body, followed by feeling frustrated and alone and unheard when the next day I wake up, shine a flashlight down my throat, and still see white spots there.  The aloneness is all the more because I haven't been able to see my friends or attend fellowship meetings or ladies gatherings for a couple weeks now (due to sicknesses or other things going on in the household).  I've missed out on our usual play dates, when I get to see my sweet Becky friend.

And then I realized, this is just a small taste of what it's like to be my mom.  Except, hers is not a sickness she will eventually get over.  It has been going on for 12 years.  I wouldn't dare say that I can totally relate, because I can't, but I know that she has felt these feelings that I have felt these last few days.

I want to play with, tickle, and enjoy my children, but I am confined to this bed most of the day.  It took so much energy for me to shower, dress, comb my hair, and change the sheets this morning.  My legs hurt. My arms hurt. I was ready for a nap, but I knew those things were necessary.  (And I think I had begun to smell a lot like death.)

I want to greet my husband with a smile and the scent of dinner in the works wafting through the air.  I hate that every day this week he has had to manage dinner on his own (well, with some help from the children). Furthermore, the wife that usually greets him now has crazy bed hair, is still in her pajamas, and is trying to rest and keep herself from having an emotional breakdown.

I cry a lot.  I cry because I feel so helpless.  I cry because there is little I can do about anything right now. I cry because I know I'm a big wimp.  I cry because I feel guilty that I am not spending time with the kids, not able play games with them outside, not able to take them to playdates.  I cry because I feel horrible that my husband works hard and then has to come home and play mom. I cry because I miss our fun times together, and I know he misses his wife. I cry because I'm in pain, and I'm sweating like we live next to the sun. I cry because I'm pretty sure the dog thinks I've abandoned him. I cry because I feel alone. I cry because this feels like it's going to last forever.

I cry because I worry about how my children feel.  I cry because I am not able to make them breakfast or lunch, and I cry because my older two are so big they are able to do that themselves.  I cry because we need groceries, and I cannot just run out and get them.  I cry because I have to depend on everyone else. I cry because when Evangeline climbs in my bed each day, I can tell she misses her mommy- misses playing with me throughout the day, misses being chased around the house, misses helping me with the chores.

I cry because I have had a taste of what my mom often feels- and it is hard.  It is hard to want to function for your family- to be there for them, to take them places, to make them things, to play with them.....

yet not be able to.

It is difficult to realize that you are spent and your energy is gone all because you got ready for the day and started a load of laundry. There is this voice screaming inside my head, "You should be doing more!!!" and it is loud and cruel.

So I may try to get up and do something.  Sometimes I try to get up and sweep, and then I'm exhausted, hurting all over, and my head is throbbing.

I tell myself to suck it up, but it's just not that easy. I wish it was.  Lord knows Mom wishes it was too.

I've been sick for a week.  My mom has been sick for what feels like a lifetime.  I can't even imagine what that must be like, but I have had a small, minuscule, tip-of-the-iceberg taste...... and it is hard to bear.

I am not proof reading this, so forgive any typos/mistakes.




Wednesday, March 27, 2013

We started the Whole30!

Brandon and I are documenting our journey through the Whole30 Challenge, and welcome you to read it, if you'd like. We've found that publicly posting day by day helps keep us in line and keeps a great record of what we're feeling like (cravings, energy levels, etc), what we've eaten, and if we've exercised. (Which, there hasn't been much of the latter just yet.)



 Swing by



Friday, March 22, 2013

Three days until Whole30!


Woke up with another headache behind my eyeballs today.  I'm thinking its because I have not had my usual carbs and sugar, although I did have chocolate last night. I tend to eat a lot of grains, and I'm sure my body is shocked that I haven't been eating a massive amount of the usual things (even if I've had a bit, I haven't had a bunch).


Today I'm going grocery shopping to prepare for next week. I've already started implementing some of the Whole30 principles.  I know people who go on crazy binges before they go on a diet or challenge, but I do not want to do that because the more crap I eat now the more LIKE crap I will feel during the first week or two of the challenge, and I'd rather not go through that. I know I won't feel super stellar the first weeks since my body will be detoxing, but I don't want to give it even more of a hassle!

I had stomach pangs all yesterday, which was annoying. They didn't hurt, but I realized my body is used to snacking and NOT used to three solid meals a day.  So I made sure to eat plenty of protein and get in fat any way I could to sustain myself through the day, but the pangs still persisted.  Thankfully, I was able to tell they were not hunger related, and that was helpful.  I could tell myself, "You are not hungry. You are going through withdraws. You are rewiring your body. You are teaching it how to properly function."  Knowing how my body works has been so helpful and  as is knowing what to expect.  Experiencing these things before I officially go on the Whole30 has been good for me, I think. I know some people like to shock their system, but I really feel like my system will be in enough shock! Ha!

Yesterday I posted a question to Instagram regarding trying to get more fat into my diet (as it is key to retrain your body to rely on fat for fuel rather than sugar), and the Whole30 people saw it and posted it to their Facebook page! That was really cool because I realized I have SO MUCH SUPPORT and that these people (and their followers) are really interested in Optimal Heath for EVERYONE.  It is easy to feel along when you are trying to change your diet- and I am thankful my husband and I are doing it together, but most of the weight (haha, weight) falls on my shoulders since I am the one who shops, makes the meals, etc.  I realize Brandon is responsible for himself, but I also realize that I set him up to fail if I don't prepare healthy, filling, nutritious meals for him. Anyway, so that was awesome to wake up to! Really pumps me up to know they are listening and ready to help!

Several of my friends are joining me on this Whole30 challenge. If you would like to, let me know! We can all encourage one another!  Check out whole9life.com for more information!

What things am I splurging on before the Whole30 starts?  Chocolate.  I bought this massive chocolate bar at Trader Joe's the other day, and I've been having several squares of it a day.  Yanno, gotta finish it off before Monday!

How am I preparing for the start of our Whole30 challenge? Several things.

First of all, I'm have had to think through what my husband will take for lunch because it is far too difficult for him to get Whole30-friendly meals in a drive through or restaurant when he's in a hurry.  He has enough on his mind, and I don't want him to have to worry about whether something is Whole30 friendly or not. He's used to this sort of diet since, like I said before, he has been on many candida cleanses!  So, I planned out quick breakfasts and filling lunches for him to grab and go.  This is very important if I want my husband to succeed in the Whole30, so I've had to make a meal plan for his lunches that will ensure that he is full and not going to be running on empty an hour or two later.


Secondly, I've planned for days when I don't feel like doing diddly squat. One of my favorite things is frozen chicken breasts- YOU DO NOT HAVE TO THAW THEM BEFORE COOKING! I layer a casserole pan with sliced zucchini and other veggies, coat the chicken breasts in oil, season them, and lay them on top of the veggies, and cook in the oven. BAM, there's your meal.  Super simple, minimal work.  Just a tip- Whenever you make something, make a little extra.  I have been doing this for Brandon's meals.  I also bought a bag of peeled hard boiled eggs at Costco because he can grab several before work without me having to do ANY WORK.  So stock your fridge with frozen veggies (organic, if you can).  If you make some fruit and veggie shakes (maybe with coconut oil or milk?), make extra and freeze the remaining for another day.  You don't have to devote a day to freezer cooking.  Just make extra every time you are in the kitchen because it will not require extra work from you.  I bake my bacon (350F for 20-30 minutes, depending on thickness of the bacon). Put a layer of foil in the pan so that it comes up on all the sides, that way you can just drain the bacon grease into a mug and put it in the fridge (if you want).  The bacon ALWAYS comes out even and perfect, and I can refrig the extra for other meals (bacon and avocado? Yum!  


We do potlucks at least once a week, so I've had to consider what I'm going to bring to that, as well as plan for playdate lunches. Most things as potlucks do not comply with Whole30 (no grains, no legumes, no sugar, no dairy), so I've thought about what dishes I can put together that will be filling for my husband and myself even if there is nothing else available for us to eat. 

And, like I said before, I've already been moving toward the Whole30 by cutting down on grains significantly (no gluten), working my way toward drinking my coffee without sweetener, etc.  I've also been trying out new veggies. I had no idea that brussel sprouts were like mini cabbage!


I'm looking forward to Monday!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Whole 30 Challenge- Will Paleo help?



As many of you might know, I spend a good amount of time researching things.  I want to make the best choices for our family, and lately I've been praying about our diet. I feel like we've done really well on a whole food diet (and by diet, I mean lifestyle eating, not just a fad), and while we definitely do feel better, we don't exactly feel great. Since adopting a whole food diet several years ago, my migraines have disappeared, my energy levels are up (no longer requiring a midday nap as was once required), and I feel more clear headed, but I realize that my energy levels could be better and I still have random aches and pains as well as neck, back, and hip pain.. and recently pains in my feet.  Sometimes I have these shooting pains in my head (which last a second or two but hurt none the less).  I realize that I've accepted these things as my normal for so long that I never even questioned whether they could be a diet related ordeal. I know I have felt better, at times, during certain seasons of life, especially when we were on a certain food kick (like when we were eating very little grains and lots of salads with grilled shrimp or chicken), but I didn't really connect the dots until recently.


Some of you, as well as people on IG, have given me a lot to think about over the years.  This information (or maybe just an encouragement to check things out) has changed our lifestyle in many ways, and our diet is no exception.  When I wrote about eating more quinoa, someone informed me it causes inflammation.  Honestly, I shrugged it off and filed it under "there are two sides to everything."  You know how it is- one person says caffeine is good for you, another says it's horrible.  One person says raw broccoli is great, other says it's bad for your body unless it's steamed.  There is so much conflicting evidence out there, it's hard to find out what's truth.  Besides, raw broccoli may truly be bad for one person's body and not for another person's!


Anyway, like I said, I shrugged it off but it kept bothering me. Brandon has some serious inflammation issues, and I am beginning to see that my aches, pains, and problems could very well be (and likely are) tied to inflammation as well. On top of that, so many friends of mine (online friends mostly, but some IRL) have adopted grain-free diets and are really thriving, so I figured it was worth taking a deeper look.  I had skimmed through the Paleo diet about a year ago, but only briefly, and I have been feeling for several weeks now that I should take some time to research it.


Today I was thinking over the times in  my life when I felt my healthiest, and there are two specific seasons I can think of.  The first was when I became a raw vegan.  Like I said, I was plagued with migraines, very low energy, and always feeling like I could never get enough rest and always feeling a general ickiness.  After a month of a high raw diet, I was feeling the best I had ever felt.  The other time was when Brandon and I were doing a candida cleanse. Candida cleanses are pretty popular in my family because both of my parents have struggled with candida (think yeast issues in your gut) which, for my dad, looked like a gluten intolerance. When he cleansed the candida from his gut, he was able to eat gluten products without logging in major time on the porcelain throne (if you catch my drift). The candida cleanses are typically 15 days, which sometimes meant I felt cruddy the whole time, but sometimes by day 12 or so I was feeling really good, rejuvenated and energetic. However, my mindset was that "this is just a cleanse; now I can go back to my regular diet" so by the end of the 15 days, we would often dive back into our old habits feeling a little cleaner on the inside.  We felt much better on 30 day cleanses, but, like I said, the mindset was that it was just a temporary change- a cleanse- and then we could continue eating as normal.


Brandon didn't feel so great on the raw vegan diet. He felt like he was always hungry and still felt very sluggish, but he felt very good whenever he stuck to the candida cleanse diet, which sometimes he would do for a longer term. The candida cleanse diet is very similar to the Paleo diet, although a tad bit more strict in terms of what one cannot eat (most notably is that fruit is not allowed in the candida diet because it feeds the yeast).


As I examined these two seasons in which I felt my best, I wondered how it could be that I felt so great on two very different diets.  Raw Veganism and a Paleo diet seem to be in contradiction, don't they?  Then I realized they had much more in common than I realized.  As a raw vegan, I did not consume any grains, dairy, or legumes.  Ditto for the candida cleanse (Paleo diet).  Hmm, ding ding ding.


Before I got out of bed, I was already pretty convinced our family needed to try out the Paleo way pronto!  We already know that we (and our children) have issues with dairy.  We know that Brandon has a gluten sensitivity.  I'm pretty sure Merikalyn does too because she's had this horrible rash on her hands that we thought was from washing dishes but have come to realize it must be diet related. We know that legumes cause some pretty major issues in our guts too, even though we have tried various ways of soaking, fermenting, etc.  I felt like it all fell into place this morning, and I am totally positive that is God answering my prayers.


After spending a good deal of time on http://whole9life.com/ I decided I would download/purchase their book, "It Starts With Food" (Dallas and Melissa Hartwig), rather than try to gather the information all over the web.  Plus, I knew if I purchased it on the mini iPad, Brandon would be more likely to read it. So, I spent a good portion of today reading and skimming through the book.  Finding myself nodding in agreement or excited over more connected dots, I realized this book was yet another answer to prayer. I know most of this stuff, but have never put it all together.  Sometimes you just need all the information laid out before you plain and clear.  I love that this book contains the psychology side of it as well as the "science-y" side of it (as they call it). There are real life examples of reactions and how things play out with our "normal" diet (S.A.D.- standard American diet) and how it would look and feel if I was on a healthy, normal diet. (Normal meaning REAL FOOD rather than chemically altered crap, heavy carbs/grains, etc.)


I have been eating so much more healthy, and yet I am still struggling with bloating and energy issues.  I am tired of waking up tired! I have made so many excuses as to why I feel the way I do:

- I'm a low energy person.
- I guess this is just what happens when you get older.
- This is just what it's like after you've had five kids.
- It's probably because the weather has been back and forth.
 

And on and on it goes.  Yesterday I stood in front of the mirror wondering why the scale says I've lost five pounds, but my stomach is bigger and I feel so bloated and gross.  It's really discouraging when you are trying to eat healthy, whole foods and yet you aren't seeing a huge difference in the way you feel and look.   It's the same with Brandon- none of the things we have done have helped him lose much weight EXCEPT when he was doing the Candida Cleanse.  During the Candida Cleanse he was able to eat as much as he wanted, so he felt full and not deprived, and yet he was able to drop 10-30 pounds in a month (different results at different times).  I laughed that he was the only guy who could gain weight on a raw vegan diet, but I understand it now.  So many of the things we have done have only caused our bodies to FREAK OUT and hold on to fat rather than to release it.  In Brandon's case, being a vegetarian was HARMFUL to his health because beans and grains cause so many health issues (chronic inflammation/pain).  I feel a little bad now because I'm the one who typically organizes the meals and prepares the food, so....


Anyway, I talked it over with Brandon, and we agreed to try the Whole30 Challenge. I know Brandon will go all in, and I feel like it's totally doable to commit to 30 days.  In the case of our candida cleanse (which is similar to the Whole30), 15 days is just long enough to do some real cleansing, but not long enough to notice all the effects of the change in diet.  You often spend the first 8-12 days overcoming withdraws and cravings, so I see how the 15 day cleanse was just enough to make us feel crappy, have a couple days of feeling really good, and then propel is back into "real world eating", as I thought of it, and start all over again consuming things that inflamed and hurt our bodies. I can see how 30 or 45 days would be a much better span of time to work through the withdraws, cravings and addictions, realize the differences, and, above all, rewire the brain regarding emotional/hormonal reactions to food.  Fifteen days just isn't enough.  Thirty or more days is enough time to see how my body reacts.  How many times have you heard of people trying out a certain diet lifestyle, having severe reactions (which are usually the toxins working out of the body or the result of withdraws) and throwing up their hands because they think it isn't working for them?


Months ago, Brandon and I cut gluten from our diet (and dairy too, I think) for a couple weeks.  Then Brandon had a burger or something with gluten in it and had a bad reaction (hives, etc).  He felt like going on our gluten-free diet made him MORE sensitive to gluten, but then he realized the truth was that he had always been sensitive to gluten, it's just that, because he consumed it so often, his body was always fighting it and the reactions to it looked differently then. After being without it for a couple weeks and then reintroducing it, his body acted as it should to something it did not like- which was to have a severe reaction as it fought against the food he put in his body.  I've had the same reaction to gluten (although, at the time, I thought it was the beef in the burger, not the bun!) and dairy.


So, sometimes it seems  after we've cut things out of our diet for a while and then reintroduce them that we are suddenly allergic to things we were not or our sensitivity to them has worsened, but that's not reality.  My friend (and midwife) Nanci has encouraged her children to remove gluten from their diets.  Her daughter has skin issues tied to gluten, but consumes it anyway.  Her son didn't think he had gluten issues, but decided to give it a go, and after seeing the difference, he decided to stay gluten-free.  (Nanci is gluten-free and has found that gluten causes severe migraines.)


There are millions of testimonials on how a Paleo (or even just a gluten-free) diet has changed peoples lives.  I was telling my dad some about this today and he said he and my mom had been working their way to a Paleo diet too, and it occurred to me that my brother has been on a paleo diet for a while either.  For some people, like my brother, a Paleo diet comes easy. He's never been big on grains or sugar, nor is he a legume lover or a big consumer of dairy, so there are few, if any, sacrifices for him to make.  For others, like myself and my dad, a Paleo lifestyle can seem a little daunting.  I mean, we really, really like fresh homemade bread. And we really, really like sweets.  We could do without the dairy, but don't take away pie dough, artisan bread, or tortillas! Noooo!  For Brandon, who is Cajun to the bone, doing without rice and the occasional cornbread doesn't sound super fun, but feeling GREAT outweighs all of that for all of us.


One of the points in the book really stood out to me, and I wrote it down because I know I will need these reminders.

Is it just fine that some of the foods you eat are controlling your behaviors, making you crave things you don't really want to eat, and proving impossible to resist even when you truly try? 

Do you like energy slumps, brain fogs, insidious weight gain, frequent hunger pangs, the inability to burn fat, and a metabolism that moves slower than molasses?

Can you live with gas, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, abdominal discomfort, fatigue, malnutrition, and food allergies?

Do you welcome an increase in illness, infection, aches, pains, and the signs and symptoms of innumerable diseases and conditions, some which are irreversible?

UH. NO! That is NOT OKAY WITH ME! I DO NOT WANT THAT IN MY LIFE!


I've been wondering why I am struggling with things like hot flashes (and have been for the better part of the last 10 years), bloating, numbness, aches and pains, vision issues, asthma, allergies, etc....  and I really think that these things are tied to my diet.  I'm eager to see if the Whole30/Paleo diet changes things for me.  If I see significant changes, I will stick with it because no one wants to go on feeling exhausted, irritable, achy, and icky. But, I know that it's easy to get into the mindset of "This is just how life is, and it will never change," especially if you've tried a lot of different methods. Maybe it won't change, but.. MAYBE IT WILL!

I enjoyed so much about Raw Veganism, but I never felt full longer than five or ten minutes, and I hated that.  Sometimes I craved hot food, and sometimes I missed cooking (rather than chopping, blending, etc).  I learned A LOT of valuable things on the raw vegan adventure, most of all how important it is to consume a lot of fresh, whole, and raw fruits and vegetables (previous to that I rarely consumed raw veggies, and used a lot of canned veggies in our meals).  Whenever I have toyed with the idea of going back to a high raw diet, I can only think about all I have to give up, and... while I do love raw fruits and veggies, it just isn't enough for me.

I feel like the Whole30 is a good direction for us.  Maybe I won't like it. Maybe it won't help. I'm pretty sure it will, which is why I'm willing to go 30-days without cheating, religiously sticking to the terms of the challenge.  I can say that I know it cannot hurt to cut gluten (as well as all grains, which are mainly just fillers with little nutrition), dairy, and legumes from our diet. That isn't to say that I don't enjoy those things, because I do, but I also realize that I don't enjoy the effect those foods often have on my body.  So, I feel like taking the Whole30 challenge does not have a CON side for us.

I think Brandon is most excited about being able to consume a huge slab of meat since for several years we have typically kept our meat consumption to a minimum, more like a side dish rather than the main dish, if it is present in a meal at all.  This has meant he has often felt very hungry, incredibly irritable (and by incredibly, I mean like the incredible Hunk on a rage), and very sluggish throughout the day.

The book I'm reading is very detailed in the matters of how our bodies work, and I learned a lot about the responses of my body, how cortisol works, and how food can help or hinder immune function. 

We officially start our Whole30 challenge on Monday, March 25th.  I am slowly weaning myself off of sugary coffee (I'm kind of embarrassed to admit how much sugar I put in my coffee- I turn the sugar dispense upside down over my cup and count to 20, sometimes even 25, and that's how I measure out the sugar. It's probably at least 3-4 tablespoons of sugar. Today I put in a heaping teaspoon of local honey and only a splash of half&half (I wrote this yesterday, so today I actually used coconut milk instead and it was pretty good. Not AS good but, yanno, I'm adjusting.), neither of which fit the Whole30 guidelines, but at least the sugar content is less.  I'm not sure if I would even be interested in drinking my coffee black because it seems so bitter (maybe with some coconut milk?) so I may just switch to herbal teas come Monday.


Crazy enough, Becky has also been researching the Paleo diet. I am totally loving that my close friends and my family are on board because that makes it so much easier. The kids and I have actually been studying macro and micronutrients (as well as other nutritional things) in our homeschool, so the information I have learned from the book and the Whole30 challenge has gone right along with that.  The kids have been very interested in the diet changes we are making, and we definitely talk about it with them.  


The challenges I see in the future are mostly regarding our get togethers.  This has always been the biggest challenge for me in the past, especially when we were gluten-free.  Our potluck fellowship meals are filled with things that do not fit in with the Whole30.  Lots of pastas, casseroles or crockpot meals laden with dairy products or legumes.  Obviously we will need to be prepared.  I've thought about bringing our own meals, but that feels awkward.  The last few times I have brought a green smoothie for myself, so I eat what I am able to and then sip on the green smoothie.  We could bring Paleo dishes to the potluck, which seems like a good idea except that we would need to likely bring several paleo dishes since it is likely that our dishes would be the only Whole30 approved things at the potluck. (Although, with Becky on board, she would probably bring Whole30 approved things too, which would be nice).  Usually the only Whole30 approved foods at the potluck are a salad and a plate of raw veggies which ARE NOT enough to sustain me or Brandon so by the time we head home we both feel like crap.


We will have to work out something, and I know I can get together with Becky and plan things out so we all succeed at the Whole30.  It will just require planning ahead.

As I've mentioned before, I've been trying to make Brandon's lunches each night so that he has something healthy to take rather than resorting to drive thrus and quick fixes that are unhealthy.  Tomorrow he's having shrimp we made tonight with a romaine salad and 3 pieces of sushi (which is not Whole30 approved, but we haven't officially started yet).  I've already noticed a change in him since I started providing his lunches. He's far less cranky when he gets home from work... as long as there is plenty of protein.  I also send him to work with a green smoothie (sometimes a blueberry one, but usually something loaded with green goodness), and am now committing to make breakfast for him (at least prepare him something the night before when I make his lunches).  We went to Costco so I grabbed a bag of boiled eggs (I hate boiled eggs, ick) because they are quick and easy, and he can take 2-3 for breakfast.


It's a little overwhelming to be in charge of my family's health. I mean, I know Brandon has to be accountable for his own health (he used to eat a burger or several chopped beef BBQ sandwiches before he came home from dinner, and that wasn't helpful), but I am in charge of the meals around here, and I know that if I provide a nutritious meal that fills him up and satisfies him, he will not be as tempted by the junk out there.  I'm also accountable for my children's health, and so I'm always trying to figure out if a behavior issue is related to diet or just the result of being human. ;)


I know a lot of Nolyn's behavior issues were tied to diet (which is why we cut out dyes and sugars).  Our fellowship potlucks have always posed a challenge in this regard because someone will inevitably bring something with MSG, dyes, or HFC, and "all the other kids are eating/drinking/slathering their bodies in it, so my kids want to as well.  It's been good to have regular conversations about food and health with the kids because I realize it does help them make better choices, especially Nolyn. (Keagan and Evie, not so much.)


Anyway, I've written A NOVEL, and I know it's as boring as a monotone professor lecturing about the pros and cons of sliced bread, but... anyway. It's on my mind, and I felt I should document it. I will be documenting our Whole30 journey as well. Maybe here, maybe in a paper notebook. I haven't decided yet.


But, for sure, if you are paleo, leave me links and tips because I know I can use them! :)

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Fervent in Love, part 2

This is Part 2 of this series.  To read Part 1, CLICK HERE.


Friday, I went over the foundation of love, specifically that we should not love one another from our own strength but as a result of looking to Christ and focusing on God's faithful love. This morning I was reading through the Psalms and was astonished by how many times the Lord's faithful or enduring love is mentioned. Clearly this was the focus of David and the other Psalmists and should be ours as well.

I am reminded that when my focus is not on Christ's love but on "what I can do" (whether it be on how I can love God or how I can love others or how I can be righteous), I am steering toward legalism.  For me, legalism is my native tongue, and I thank God that He continually reminds me of His faithful love and realigns my focus many times a day.


As I mentioned in my last post, my thoughts have been on the following verse:

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8
My friend Lindsey and I were talking Friday evening about what it looks like to love others, and how important it is to love through Christ.  Often Christ calls us to love in the simplest way in the simplest of things. I admire Lindsey's heart in serving those around her, and her fervent prayers to God on what she should do when she sees a need or request arise.

In my readings this morning, I came across Proverbs 10:12, which I believe is the verse Peter is echoing in his letter.

Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all offenses.

Some versions say that hatred stirs up quarrels, contention, or strive, but love covers all transgressions, wrongs, or sins. These verses aren't talking about our relationship with the Lord, because His love didn't just cover our sin, His love put sin to death and gave us new life.   These verses are talking about relating to one another.

Even though the Lord forgives our sins, we have a difficult time forgiving what the Lord has forgotten. Speaking for myself, I know that I can look at others through condemning eyes, rather than the love of Christ. At times, I may find myself really relating to a person and feeling compassion toward them and their situation.  Other times, I may wonder why they can't just pull it together or get over it.

So what does this love that covers a multitude of sins look like in our lives?  Truthfully, I don't feel like I have much to offer in regards to how it looks like coming from my own life. I can be rather harsh and unloving at times, and I feel that lately the Lord has been kindly revealing my own attitude to me, allowing me to remember His faithful love and turn to His heart of love.  This is one of the reasons why these verses have been on my heart lately, because I realize I am missing something here, and all my trying harder in the area of compassion is not working.

Fortunately for me, I have had many examples of what love looks like within the body of Christ.  I have been meditating on these beautiful examples these last couple weeks, really considering how Christ has shown His love for me through the believers around me. He has used these people not only to encourage, uplift, and restore me but to show me the practical aspects of His love pouring through believers.

There are four people (two couples) in our lives ("our" meaning my husband and I) who have exuded that love of Christ in many different ways. Because of these two couples, my husband and I have had so much spiritual growth over the last two years. I have realized that Christ's love flowing through believers encourages and enables growth in others.  God  also states this truth in Scripture, "From Him the whole body, fitted and knit together by every supporting ligament, promotes the growth of the body for building up itself in love by the proper working of each individual part (Ephesians 4:16)."

The New Living Translation puts this in basic terms:

He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.
 In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul details how Christ's love works in the body of believers- first reminding us  whose we are and where we come from, and praying that believers would be strengthened with power through his Spirit that Christ may dwell in our hearts through faith.  His prayer is that believers would be "rooted and established in love" and be able to grasp, as I mentioned in my previous post, the magnitude of Christ's love, which would cause us to be filled with the "measure of all the fullness of God."

Let's read through that before I go on:

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. This is why it says:

“When he ascended on high,
he took many captives
and gave gifts to his people.”

(What does “he ascended” mean except that he also descended to the lower, earthly regions? He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe.) So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
[Ephesians 3:14-4:16]

Let me see if I can convey my understanding of this passage. First of all, Paul is praying that we as individuals along with all of God's holy people (those set apart for Him) would be rooted and established in love and live and move and breathe within that deep knowledge (not just "head knowledge") of Christ's love.  This is what the Lord really wants for us more than anything- is to be wholly thrown upon His love, dependent on it, filled by it, satisfied in it, and drawing from it.

Paul goes on to "urge [believers] to live a life worthy of the calling you have received."  This is actually the first verse of chapter four. We must remember that Paul didn't write his letters in chapters and verses, but as a whole. If we divorce this verse and the ones that follow from the message in the last part of chapter three, we've missed the full picture.

Paul paints a beautiful picture of Christ's love in the first few chapters of Ephesians. He reminds the Ephesians who they once were and how they had once been, "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.(Ephesians 2:4-10)"  After reminding them of Christ's immeasurable love and grace, Paul then follows in encouraging them to live this out.

I believe that this encourages us to remember that everything we have is from Christ; it is not our own doing. When His loving grace is always before our eyes, when we see His mercy, and when we truly understand that "by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God; not as a result of works so that no one may boast," the same love and grace that Christ extends to us is extended to others through us. We realize that it is not because we are great or wonderful or worthy, but only by the gift of God.

No longer do we wonder why a person doesn't just suck it up, or why they repeatedly struggle through the same things, or why they don't see the truth.  Specifically relating to believers, we are Christ's body, and "no man hates his own body, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church" (Eph. 5:29).  When we see one another through Christ's eyes, we can't help but love one another because we belong to the same body, and the body does not benefit from one member being hurt or bruised or incapacitated. If I hurt my arm, I would nurture it back to health. I wouldn't tell it to "get it with the program."  Likewise, when a believer is struggling through something (whether it be something with an physical, outward appearance, or something inward, like working out beliefs and past issues), the rest of the body comes along side to nurture and nourish it back to health, putting forth extra effort to help the wounded member.

I have seen the work out in my own life in countless ways. Romans 14 and 15 speaks of accepting one another as Christ accepts us, even the weak in faith. It seems that often Christians (and I have been guilty of this as well) come alongside the weak and hand them a first class ticket for a guilt trip. We offer the weak a list of to do's and shoulds and musts and laws rather than the very grace we ourselves were gifted with by God. (Which actually goes to show that the weak one is indeed the person who has forgotten grace!)

I am so thankful for those who have come alongside me in the working out of legalism in my life.  Instead of brow-beating me, they continually loved me by hearing me out, speaking words of wisdom and truth into my life, and being patient-not frustrated or upset-when I didn't "get it" right away.  Likewise, they rejoiced with me every time I came to truly KNOW the truth deep within my soul, when those verses became life to me.

They were patient and understanding, bearing my weakness, praying over me and for me, accepting me for where I was at knowing that God would work things out and bring me into understanding.

When I was in the midst of hardcore struggles with the law and legalism, they were steady reminders of grace and love and truth, always bringing me back to God's love, putting Christ back into focus.  When I was hurt over a situation or circumstance, they listened and loved me, prayed for me, called and texted me when I crossed their mind.  Their spirits are joined with my spirit, and they notice when I begin to shelter myself, to pull away, to build walls, and they are there to pull me back out.

They have been there to help me work out false beliefs I have held on to for years. They have been there as I worked out pain in my past or fears of the future.  And most of all, they have never made me feel like I am silly or stupid or "less of a Christian".  This is one of the ways love manifests itself in the body.  It frees us to confess our struggles and sins, to work through issues, and lay ourselves bare.


I'd like to write about how love presents itself to others that I see in Scripture, but this post is long enough, and has taken me a while to write with all the distractions.

I want to make it clear that I am not writing this to instruct anyone.  I am writing because writing things out helps me organize my thoughts for myself.  If you benefit from this, praise the Lord! May we all grow in this together! Writing helps me draw my thoughts together, and remind myself of what the Lord is showing and telling me through the 

I think what stands out to me most clearly is that the point that Paul, Peter, and John were continually making was not necessarily that we should love one another, but that seeing and believing and throwing ourselves upon Christ's radical, extravagant love for us naturally results in loving others.  It seems to me that the full assurance of our life in Christ is what causes all the power of Christ to flow from us.  If we do not believe we are fully and radically loved by Him, totally forgiven and made new, we will be hindered in our ministering to and loving of others.

Christ's love was radical in that He is God in flesh, yet He came to serve and not to be served, and told His followers to do even the most demeaning of jobs (like feet washing) as He Himself did as well.  Through us, He is still serving.

Next post, I'd like to go over some acts of love that I see in Scripture, like restoration, encouragement, etc and how I have seen that work out in my life and the lives of others.