These are very true to his personality! :)
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Communication and Sacrifice
I've come to the conclusion as to why most people have superficial marriages.
Communication hurts.
Okay, so this is not a profound epiphany, and I know I've reached this conclusion at various stages in my marriage, but I was reminded, once again, that communication takes work. Usually, when you hear someone say, "Communication takes work," your mind probably goes to "talking takes work", but the truth is, talking is the easiest part of it. What is difficult is truly listening and accepting what your spouse has to say, especially when he is addressing character flaws.
It's even worse when you know you have these flaws but have been attempting to fix them (and hide them in the process).
I've been reading a book by Gary Thomas titled Sacred Marriage which hits upon this very topic. He points out that marriage, like the process of Christianity, is to lead us towards sanctification. "Marriage certainly has it's challenges," Thomas writes, "but when these are faced head-on, our marriage can nurture our devotional lives in enriching ways. One of the ways is by unmasking our sin and our hurtful attitudes and thus leading us into the spirit of humility. [...] What marriage has done for me is hold up a mirror to my sin. It forces me to face myself honestly and consider my character flaws, selfishness, and anti-Christian attitudes, encouraging me to be sanctified and cleansed and to grow in godliness."
In their book The First Two Years of Marriage, the Harts point out, "Sometimes what is hard to take in the first years of marriage is not what we find out about our partner, but what we find out about ourselves. As one young woman who had been married about a year said, 'I've always thought of myself as a patient and forgiving person. Then I began to wonder if that was just because I had never before gotten close to anyone. In marriage, when John and I began... dealing with differences, I saw how small and unforgiving I could be. I discovered a hardness in me I had never experienced before."
Speaking for myself, I know that, in the first three years of marriage, whenever I felt provoked to anger and hatred, I blamed my husband. I saw how "he" had changed me into this person I hated, and then I realized he hadn't changed me into this person- it was there all along. There are very few people in our lives that we completely open every personal crevice of our lives to. Even those of us who dated around do not fully experience this- although we may experience outrage and anger, it's completely different when we join lives with someone, exposing intimate parts of ourselves- not just our body, but our routine, our reactions, and who we really are when we aren't trying to impress or woo.
I realized I wasn't that great of a person. I realized that I was very hard on my husband, but very lenient on myself. I allowed myself to get away with bad behavior, but looked down and berated my husband for similar attitudes and actions (moreso inwardly than outwardly- I would criticize him more than I should have, but a lot of it I kept to myself, allowing myself to stew and grow bitter).
I find that we are all like this- and having been able to peep into the windows of certain marriages, I realize even more how much of a double standard there is. Maybe the reason we are so hard on our spouses for certain behaviors is because we know we are guilty of the same.
I have friends who tear their husbands up and down for their unfaithfulness, yet have also been unfaithful. They complain that they cannot trust their spouse, yet, if the same standards were held up to them, their spouses should not be able to trust them either.
Why is it we cannot give our spouses the grace and mercy that we so often give ourselves? Is it because we are ashamed, or because we don't want our spouses to know that we too are capable of doing things that are sinful and wrong and hurtful?
One of my favorite excerpts from the book is this, "It is unrealistic to assume that the initial pledge of marital fidelity will be an 'easy' one to keep. Otto Piper points out that 'there is always an element of mistrust implied in the marriage contract.' The reason we promise to love each other 'till death do us part' is precisely because our society knows that such a promise will be sorely tried--otherwise, the promise wouldn't be necessary! We don't make public promises that we will regularly nourish our bodies with food or buy ourselves adequate clothing. Everyone who enters the marriage relationship will come to a point where the marriage starts to 'rub' somewhat adversely. It is for these times that the promise is made. Anticipating struggle, God has ordained a remedy, holding us to our word of commitment."
"If there is one thing young engaged couples need to hear, it's that a good marriage is not something you find, it's something you work for. It takes struggle. You must crucify your selfishness. You must confront, and at other times confess. The practice of forgiveness is essential."
Brandon and I were discussing some of these things as we read our nightly couples devotional. The devotional caused us to ask some hard questions of ourselves, questions I would have much rather avoided and just gone to bed, but I know, by avoiding them, we would have missed out on a greater blessing.
Confrontation and criticism is never an easy pill to swallow. When we see our mistakes and our wrongs laid out before us, even in the most gentlest of ways, we immediately feel like sweeping them under the rug. When Brandon pointed out a few of my flaws he felt like I needed to work on (and, he acknowledged that he had noticed I had been working on them over the last few weeks), I felt so exposed.
I feel this is why it is so important for us to have this time every evening to discuss our lives together. It's much easier to take bits and pieces of constructive criticism than to have it bottled up and poured over your head one day. I know, because that's exactly how it use to be. We would try to "hold back" and instead, we would end up saving up all of our complaints- and little issues, which could have easily been address and fixed without much of a fuss, became big, festering sores- and when we finally got to a point where all of it came out (usually in the middle of a big argument), it wasn't constructive at all. We were more focused on beating each other up and making sure the other person had more flaws on their sheet than we did.
Ouch, right?
And who really hears much of what is said, or honestly takes it to heart, when sins, mistakes, and flaws are approached in that matter?
It's definitely much easier and gentler to have these daily discussions. It's not that we always have constructive criticism or correction for each other every day- we don't- but sometimes.... often, really.... as we go through our devotionals, we personally realize our own short comings and confess and apologize. Other days, we just have interesting conversations which lead us deeper into the Word of God.
Lately, more than ever in my life, God has really been beating me over the head with one word:
Selflessness.
When I first began my real walk with God, I realized that life- my spirituality- wasn't really about me at all. It's about God. It was a bigger shock when I learned my marriage wasn't about me either. This is the reason so many marriages fail- we make it about us. Think about it- the reason we pursued the relationship was because it made us feel good. We may have done nice things for our mate, but it usually was tied to the fact that doing nice things for our mate made us feel good, made them love us more.
The following lesson has been a difficult one for me to learn and follow because it's against my self-serving human nature. Selflessness isn't just doing things for other people- it's doing things for other people even when we don't feel like it.
The bible tells us to offer a sacrifice of praise to God- and this use to strike me as such a funny phrase. "Sacrifice of Praise?" Really? Then I realized that God expects me to praise Him all the time, not only when I feel happy and satisfied, but even when I don't feel like praising, even when I feel down, sick, or upset.... even when things are not going my way. That means I have to sacrifice my own feelings and look at the other side of things.
Marriage is the same way. So often this week there have been things I have not felt like doing, but about a month ago, I made a vow that I would take on a servants attitude and would serve my spouse whether I felt like it or not. I would make anticipate his needs, make preparation for those things I knew he appreciated, and do what he asked. I would try to do it on his time, instead of my own!
I'm a big procrastinator, so this was a huge struggle for me. There are also things I really hate to do that Brandon really likes to be done, and I will avoid them like the plague, and then get upset that he's upset with me, even though I accomplished many other things (but, obviously, avoided the thing that meant most to him, or that he asked me to do).
I am really good at justifying things as well. I'll do what I want and then relax- telling myself "I deserve it", or giving some other excuse as to why I shouldn't just continue to work hard. Not that I cannot have a time of rest or nap, but I need to be productive, instead of making excuses and leaving things undone that could have very well been accomplished in a days work.
So, needless to say, this month has been a huge struggle for me- sometimes it's been easy going, especially when I have the energy or feel motivated, but a lot of times I just want to kick back and do enough to get by. Yes, folks, at the very heart of this gal is a lazy, lazy person.
Anyway, last week, I wrote Brandon a letter- thanking and praising him for all he is and has done, and telling him of my vow.... not to make myself look good (because, really, it makes me look bad... as I have had a hard time keeping that vow at times over this last month!), but to have him help me be accountable.
I know that he could very well take advantage of me, but the more I give, even when he knows I don't feel like giving, the more appreciative of me he is.
One thing I have noticed these last few weeks is that our level of intimacy has gone up several notches. I feel like a "young whippersnapper". It reminds me of those days when we didn't want to be apart, when were constantly snuggling and kissing.
It really feels great to desire my spouse, and the more I serve him (I'm not just talking about in bed) without thinking about what I'm going to get out of it, the more my love grows for him, and the more LOVED I feel.
It's been an amazing journey. I always feel like I'm learning something new and growing in my marriage- and now I understand why. God uses our marriages to teach us lessons. Our marriages are often mirrors of God's/Jesus' relationship with us. I mean, just look at the children of Israel. They were back and forth with God- often unfaithful, often complaining.... and then there would be times of intense "romance", where they came back to God and they were lavished with gifts.
And while the process has been painful at times, the outcome is preferred. I am SO grateful for my marriage- you all know all- I'm constantly thanking God for what he has done in our lives. I feel so blessed to be where I am, and I know that with God... anything is possible. That's why I ache when I see people's marriages breaking down... because I remember how that feels, and I know how God can turn it all around. Sometimes, I think to myself, "God, how can this get any better? How could I possibly love my husband more than I do now," and then... He shows me, and I'm amazed!
Communication hurts.
Okay, so this is not a profound epiphany, and I know I've reached this conclusion at various stages in my marriage, but I was reminded, once again, that communication takes work. Usually, when you hear someone say, "Communication takes work," your mind probably goes to "talking takes work", but the truth is, talking is the easiest part of it. What is difficult is truly listening and accepting what your spouse has to say, especially when he is addressing character flaws.
It's even worse when you know you have these flaws but have been attempting to fix them (and hide them in the process).
I've been reading a book by Gary Thomas titled Sacred Marriage which hits upon this very topic. He points out that marriage, like the process of Christianity, is to lead us towards sanctification. "Marriage certainly has it's challenges," Thomas writes, "but when these are faced head-on, our marriage can nurture our devotional lives in enriching ways. One of the ways is by unmasking our sin and our hurtful attitudes and thus leading us into the spirit of humility. [...] What marriage has done for me is hold up a mirror to my sin. It forces me to face myself honestly and consider my character flaws, selfishness, and anti-Christian attitudes, encouraging me to be sanctified and cleansed and to grow in godliness."
In their book The First Two Years of Marriage, the Harts point out, "Sometimes what is hard to take in the first years of marriage is not what we find out about our partner, but what we find out about ourselves. As one young woman who had been married about a year said, 'I've always thought of myself as a patient and forgiving person. Then I began to wonder if that was just because I had never before gotten close to anyone. In marriage, when John and I began... dealing with differences, I saw how small and unforgiving I could be. I discovered a hardness in me I had never experienced before."
Speaking for myself, I know that, in the first three years of marriage, whenever I felt provoked to anger and hatred, I blamed my husband. I saw how "he" had changed me into this person I hated, and then I realized he hadn't changed me into this person- it was there all along. There are very few people in our lives that we completely open every personal crevice of our lives to. Even those of us who dated around do not fully experience this- although we may experience outrage and anger, it's completely different when we join lives with someone, exposing intimate parts of ourselves- not just our body, but our routine, our reactions, and who we really are when we aren't trying to impress or woo.
I realized I wasn't that great of a person. I realized that I was very hard on my husband, but very lenient on myself. I allowed myself to get away with bad behavior, but looked down and berated my husband for similar attitudes and actions (moreso inwardly than outwardly- I would criticize him more than I should have, but a lot of it I kept to myself, allowing myself to stew and grow bitter).
I find that we are all like this- and having been able to peep into the windows of certain marriages, I realize even more how much of a double standard there is. Maybe the reason we are so hard on our spouses for certain behaviors is because we know we are guilty of the same.
I have friends who tear their husbands up and down for their unfaithfulness, yet have also been unfaithful. They complain that they cannot trust their spouse, yet, if the same standards were held up to them, their spouses should not be able to trust them either.
Why is it we cannot give our spouses the grace and mercy that we so often give ourselves? Is it because we are ashamed, or because we don't want our spouses to know that we too are capable of doing things that are sinful and wrong and hurtful?
One of my favorite excerpts from the book is this, "It is unrealistic to assume that the initial pledge of marital fidelity will be an 'easy' one to keep. Otto Piper points out that 'there is always an element of mistrust implied in the marriage contract.' The reason we promise to love each other 'till death do us part' is precisely because our society knows that such a promise will be sorely tried--otherwise, the promise wouldn't be necessary! We don't make public promises that we will regularly nourish our bodies with food or buy ourselves adequate clothing. Everyone who enters the marriage relationship will come to a point where the marriage starts to 'rub' somewhat adversely. It is for these times that the promise is made. Anticipating struggle, God has ordained a remedy, holding us to our word of commitment."
"If there is one thing young engaged couples need to hear, it's that a good marriage is not something you find, it's something you work for. It takes struggle. You must crucify your selfishness. You must confront, and at other times confess. The practice of forgiveness is essential."
Brandon and I were discussing some of these things as we read our nightly couples devotional. The devotional caused us to ask some hard questions of ourselves, questions I would have much rather avoided and just gone to bed, but I know, by avoiding them, we would have missed out on a greater blessing.
Confrontation and criticism is never an easy pill to swallow. When we see our mistakes and our wrongs laid out before us, even in the most gentlest of ways, we immediately feel like sweeping them under the rug. When Brandon pointed out a few of my flaws he felt like I needed to work on (and, he acknowledged that he had noticed I had been working on them over the last few weeks), I felt so exposed.
I feel this is why it is so important for us to have this time every evening to discuss our lives together. It's much easier to take bits and pieces of constructive criticism than to have it bottled up and poured over your head one day. I know, because that's exactly how it use to be. We would try to "hold back" and instead, we would end up saving up all of our complaints- and little issues, which could have easily been address and fixed without much of a fuss, became big, festering sores- and when we finally got to a point where all of it came out (usually in the middle of a big argument), it wasn't constructive at all. We were more focused on beating each other up and making sure the other person had more flaws on their sheet than we did.
Ouch, right?
And who really hears much of what is said, or honestly takes it to heart, when sins, mistakes, and flaws are approached in that matter?
It's definitely much easier and gentler to have these daily discussions. It's not that we always have constructive criticism or correction for each other every day- we don't- but sometimes.... often, really.... as we go through our devotionals, we personally realize our own short comings and confess and apologize. Other days, we just have interesting conversations which lead us deeper into the Word of God.
Lately, more than ever in my life, God has really been beating me over the head with one word:
Selflessness.
When I first began my real walk with God, I realized that life- my spirituality- wasn't really about me at all. It's about God. It was a bigger shock when I learned my marriage wasn't about me either. This is the reason so many marriages fail- we make it about us. Think about it- the reason we pursued the relationship was because it made us feel good. We may have done nice things for our mate, but it usually was tied to the fact that doing nice things for our mate made us feel good, made them love us more.
The following lesson has been a difficult one for me to learn and follow because it's against my self-serving human nature. Selflessness isn't just doing things for other people- it's doing things for other people even when we don't feel like it.
The bible tells us to offer a sacrifice of praise to God- and this use to strike me as such a funny phrase. "Sacrifice of Praise?" Really? Then I realized that God expects me to praise Him all the time, not only when I feel happy and satisfied, but even when I don't feel like praising, even when I feel down, sick, or upset.... even when things are not going my way. That means I have to sacrifice my own feelings and look at the other side of things.
Marriage is the same way. So often this week there have been things I have not felt like doing, but about a month ago, I made a vow that I would take on a servants attitude and would serve my spouse whether I felt like it or not. I would make anticipate his needs, make preparation for those things I knew he appreciated, and do what he asked. I would try to do it on his time, instead of my own!
I'm a big procrastinator, so this was a huge struggle for me. There are also things I really hate to do that Brandon really likes to be done, and I will avoid them like the plague, and then get upset that he's upset with me, even though I accomplished many other things (but, obviously, avoided the thing that meant most to him, or that he asked me to do).
I am really good at justifying things as well. I'll do what I want and then relax- telling myself "I deserve it", or giving some other excuse as to why I shouldn't just continue to work hard. Not that I cannot have a time of rest or nap, but I need to be productive, instead of making excuses and leaving things undone that could have very well been accomplished in a days work.
So, needless to say, this month has been a huge struggle for me- sometimes it's been easy going, especially when I have the energy or feel motivated, but a lot of times I just want to kick back and do enough to get by. Yes, folks, at the very heart of this gal is a lazy, lazy person.
Anyway, last week, I wrote Brandon a letter- thanking and praising him for all he is and has done, and telling him of my vow.... not to make myself look good (because, really, it makes me look bad... as I have had a hard time keeping that vow at times over this last month!), but to have him help me be accountable.
I know that he could very well take advantage of me, but the more I give, even when he knows I don't feel like giving, the more appreciative of me he is.
One thing I have noticed these last few weeks is that our level of intimacy has gone up several notches. I feel like a "young whippersnapper". It reminds me of those days when we didn't want to be apart, when were constantly snuggling and kissing.
It really feels great to desire my spouse, and the more I serve him (I'm not just talking about in bed) without thinking about what I'm going to get out of it, the more my love grows for him, and the more LOVED I feel.
It's been an amazing journey. I always feel like I'm learning something new and growing in my marriage- and now I understand why. God uses our marriages to teach us lessons. Our marriages are often mirrors of God's/Jesus' relationship with us. I mean, just look at the children of Israel. They were back and forth with God- often unfaithful, often complaining.... and then there would be times of intense "romance", where they came back to God and they were lavished with gifts.
And while the process has been painful at times, the outcome is preferred. I am SO grateful for my marriage- you all know all- I'm constantly thanking God for what he has done in our lives. I feel so blessed to be where I am, and I know that with God... anything is possible. That's why I ache when I see people's marriages breaking down... because I remember how that feels, and I know how God can turn it all around. Sometimes, I think to myself, "God, how can this get any better? How could I possibly love my husband more than I do now," and then... He shows me, and I'm amazed!
Saturday, October 17, 2009
A homemade Christmas
I always plan on doing homemade Christmas gifts, but I tend to think these things up a little late in the game. Right now, I think I have plenty of time. Two-and-a-half months should be (fingers crossed) plenty of time to do what I need to do as long as my mother-in-law hovers over me while I use her sewing machine.
I love to sew, but I'm horrible when it comes to handling a sewing machine. For some reason, this piece of modern technology and I do not get along well. I've tried to make nice, but, well, *shrug*.
I have a sewing machine, but I do not have the manual for it. Probably would help if I did, since it is a very nice sewing machine a friend passed on to me. I really wish I could get it down, so I could work on some of those ideas and projects I've been eyeing for some time now.
Today, I worked on making some pretty little barrettes for Merikalyn. I'm looking forward to creating all these gifts. There's something about homemade gifts. I love receiving homemade gifts that people have put time and effort into. It just shows they love and care. (Of course, I love gift cards to restaurants too.... and those aren't homemade!)
Here's one of the little craft projects we had (also a craft to work on patterns) that I think would be great for a Christmas, Hanukkah, or Birthday card.
I'll post pictures as I go along (except, I will not be posting photos of the gifts I'm giving to people who read my blog!)
I love to sew, but I'm horrible when it comes to handling a sewing machine. For some reason, this piece of modern technology and I do not get along well. I've tried to make nice, but, well, *shrug*.
I have a sewing machine, but I do not have the manual for it. Probably would help if I did, since it is a very nice sewing machine a friend passed on to me. I really wish I could get it down, so I could work on some of those ideas and projects I've been eyeing for some time now.
Today, I worked on making some pretty little barrettes for Merikalyn. I'm looking forward to creating all these gifts. There's something about homemade gifts. I love receiving homemade gifts that people have put time and effort into. It just shows they love and care. (Of course, I love gift cards to restaurants too.... and those aren't homemade!)
Here's one of the little craft projects we had (also a craft to work on patterns) that I think would be great for a Christmas, Hanukkah, or Birthday card.
I'll post pictures as I go along (except, I will not be posting photos of the gifts I'm giving to people who read my blog!)
Monday, October 12, 2009
Everything Required
II Peter 1:3
For His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.
God, in His love and goodness, has already given us ALL we need to live, to serve Him, and to fight the battles ahead. When we lean on our own or worldly "wisdom" and understanding, we will either feel falsely secure or completely unequipped. When we lean on Christ alone, we known our strength and provision comes from Him, and with God nothing is impossible!
Still, we tend to look around us and become unsatisfied with our lot in life- where we live, who we married, where we work, what we have, and what we don't have. We may find ourselves envying others instead of being appreciative of the blessings we already have.
Through God, we can be content with what we have and our place in the kingdom. We know we are doing our best and God is doing the rest. We can look at those things we have as "more than enough" and be content and thankful instead of having an attitude of selfishness, complaint, greed, and ungratefulness.
We can feel confident in God's plan and will for our lives because He has already given us "everything required for life and godliness". We already have the tools we need for the situations life presents. We know we can have victory over any circumstance because God is on our side. We are fully equipped through Christ.
I believe it is important to remember our strength, power, and provision come from the LORD, and when we are not living under His direction and authority, will we not be prepared or equipped.
When we look throughout the bible, especially the Old Testament, we can see how God used people who may not have seemed great or mighty and even used methods that seemed ridiculous. (Just look at the telling of Jericho, and the methods God used to bring the city down!)
Art.com/French School: Joshua Commanding the Walls of Jericho to Fall DownGod is great! He knows what He's doing, and He has prepared those who abide in Him. He has given us the bible, which is our guidebook to life. All the answers to the questions that matter are inside. I don't know about you, but I feel very fortunate and blessed to have such a life-manual!
I hope you have a wonderful week, and, remember, God has prepared His people! Be confident and content in Him!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
It's not about me.
We live in a selfish world. Society encourages us to do things that make us happy, and if we aren't happy, we need to "drop it like it's hot" and move on.
This has left us with several generations of people who will not keep steady jobs because they don't like the hours, their boss, their co-workers, or the hard work. It's the reason why divorce rates are so high. If things aren't going well in your marriage, you seek the thrill and love elsewhere, instead of working hard to fix your relationship. Millions of advertisements entice us to purchase appliances, gadgets, toys, vehicles, and homes that promise us happiness and joy, yet we are never satisfied and never content with what we have.
I find myself often crossing this line and having to remind myself that God has given me everything I need and more. He has indeed fulfilled my desires and blessed me, yet I have moments where, instead of being appreciative, I complain or find myself "lusting" after things I don't need.
We've even turned the church into something that serves ourselves- complaining about the style of music, the building where we gather, or a dozen other things, instead of passionately lifting our praise and worship up as we fellowship together.
It's been a week since I miscarried, and I admit, my heart is broken. I also confess that, while we go to church every week, today I went because I needed comfort and something else I cannot quite describe, but as I sat down beside my husband and children, I realized that I needed an attitude adjustment. Even though my heart ached and my day was overshadowed by the loss of our baby, this was not a time for my pity party. In my head, I went over the words of one of my favorite Christian songs.
"I'm coming back to the heart of worship, 'cause it's all about you, it's all about you Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it, for it's all about you. It's all about you Jesus."
Interestingly enough, when the singing began, this was one of the songs picked for the morning, as well as two other songs with a similar message. It's not about us. It's about God.
It's not that we shouldn't or cannot go to God for comfort and love when we are feeling broken hearted and down- we definitely should, but I know, speaking for myself, sometimes I allow my own issues and hurts to overshadow my time or worship and praise. I'm suppose to be offering up praise and worship to God, but instead I'm thinking about my problems, my hurt, and how God should remedy my situation.
Thing is, once I stopped focusing on myself and began to focus on God, I felt a release inside of me. I felt comforted. I felt loved.
Our lives are to be a sacrifice of worship and praise to God. The reason the bible calls it a "sacrifice" is because sometimes we don't feel like praising God. Sometimes we don't feel like "doing all things as unto the LORD". Maybe we feel like serving ourselves, taking a break, being lazy, or being selfish.
There is certainly a time for us to take our grief, pain, worry, and despair before God, but let's be honest- sometimes we just want to wallow in it. I don't think I'm the only one that feels this way!
I do have to constantly remind myself that my life is not really mine. My time is not my own. And, life is not all about me. It's not about me even in the least. It's not about my husband or my children- it's about God. My life is about (productively) filling the place that God has given me as wife and mother with joy, thankfulness, and contentment. It is my ministry. It is my offering of praise to my LORD. And, God extends my ministry beyond my home to my church and friends...... but it all points back to God, not to me or anyone else.
My prayer is that God would help me to focus not on myself, even in this time. There will always be some issue in my life to cause stress and hurt, but when I focus on God, I find myself being more appreciative and content, rather than complaining and wallowing in my pain.
And, I would like to thank my wonderful friend Amanda as well as our pastor, Johnnie and his wife Sandra, who surprised us with food Monday. They were such a blessing to us... and to have them SHOW UP at our door with arms full was a picture of God's love to me. Amanda said she knew if she called to ask if she could bring us a meal, I might turn her down so as to not create work for her, so I am thankful she didn't call.. and just showed up.
Thank you to all those who have been there for us and gone the extra mile to send a card, call, or whatever! We thank you!
[Art: Seek My Face by Danny Hahlbohm]
This has left us with several generations of people who will not keep steady jobs because they don't like the hours, their boss, their co-workers, or the hard work. It's the reason why divorce rates are so high. If things aren't going well in your marriage, you seek the thrill and love elsewhere, instead of working hard to fix your relationship. Millions of advertisements entice us to purchase appliances, gadgets, toys, vehicles, and homes that promise us happiness and joy, yet we are never satisfied and never content with what we have.
I find myself often crossing this line and having to remind myself that God has given me everything I need and more. He has indeed fulfilled my desires and blessed me, yet I have moments where, instead of being appreciative, I complain or find myself "lusting" after things I don't need.
We've even turned the church into something that serves ourselves- complaining about the style of music, the building where we gather, or a dozen other things, instead of passionately lifting our praise and worship up as we fellowship together.
It's been a week since I miscarried, and I admit, my heart is broken. I also confess that, while we go to church every week, today I went because I needed comfort and something else I cannot quite describe, but as I sat down beside my husband and children, I realized that I needed an attitude adjustment. Even though my heart ached and my day was overshadowed by the loss of our baby, this was not a time for my pity party. In my head, I went over the words of one of my favorite Christian songs.
"I'm coming back to the heart of worship, 'cause it's all about you, it's all about you Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it, for it's all about you. It's all about you Jesus."
Interestingly enough, when the singing began, this was one of the songs picked for the morning, as well as two other songs with a similar message. It's not about us. It's about God.
It's not that we shouldn't or cannot go to God for comfort and love when we are feeling broken hearted and down- we definitely should, but I know, speaking for myself, sometimes I allow my own issues and hurts to overshadow my time or worship and praise. I'm suppose to be offering up praise and worship to God, but instead I'm thinking about my problems, my hurt, and how God should remedy my situation.Thing is, once I stopped focusing on myself and began to focus on God, I felt a release inside of me. I felt comforted. I felt loved.
Our lives are to be a sacrifice of worship and praise to God. The reason the bible calls it a "sacrifice" is because sometimes we don't feel like praising God. Sometimes we don't feel like "doing all things as unto the LORD". Maybe we feel like serving ourselves, taking a break, being lazy, or being selfish.
There is certainly a time for us to take our grief, pain, worry, and despair before God, but let's be honest- sometimes we just want to wallow in it. I don't think I'm the only one that feels this way!
I do have to constantly remind myself that my life is not really mine. My time is not my own. And, life is not all about me. It's not about me even in the least. It's not about my husband or my children- it's about God. My life is about (productively) filling the place that God has given me as wife and mother with joy, thankfulness, and contentment. It is my ministry. It is my offering of praise to my LORD. And, God extends my ministry beyond my home to my church and friends...... but it all points back to God, not to me or anyone else.
My prayer is that God would help me to focus not on myself, even in this time. There will always be some issue in my life to cause stress and hurt, but when I focus on God, I find myself being more appreciative and content, rather than complaining and wallowing in my pain.
And, I would like to thank my wonderful friend Amanda as well as our pastor, Johnnie and his wife Sandra, who surprised us with food Monday. They were such a blessing to us... and to have them SHOW UP at our door with arms full was a picture of God's love to me. Amanda said she knew if she called to ask if she could bring us a meal, I might turn her down so as to not create work for her, so I am thankful she didn't call.. and just showed up.
Thank you to all those who have been there for us and gone the extra mile to send a card, call, or whatever! We thank you!
[Art: Seek My Face by Danny Hahlbohm]
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Miscarriage: It's hard to let go (video)
Early, early Sunday morning, we lost our little baby. This is our fourth loss this year. The second and third were very early on (appx 5 weeks, likely due to difficultly "sticking" or implanting), but I was about 10.5 weeks when I began losing this child. I wrote this song, and decided to record it on my camera and post it on youtube. I hope to, with the help of some dear friends, have it professional recorded. Since I first posted it (on FB and another site) late last night, it seems to have spread like wild fire- probably because it is something that so many women can relate to.
Our lost little one is named Nina. This is what we called her during my pregnancy. I don't know why, but we were sure it would have been a little girl, although it was too early to know. Our first miscarried baby we named Lillian. This song is dedicated to my babies, and all those who have lost blessings of their own.
(c) 2009 Mandymom.com
Our lost little one is named Nina. This is what we called her during my pregnancy. I don't know why, but we were sure it would have been a little girl, although it was too early to know. Our first miscarried baby we named Lillian. This song is dedicated to my babies, and all those who have lost blessings of their own.
(c) 2009 Mandymom.com
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Purity, and The Tale of Two Amandas
Purity. American's today demand pure water, pure air, pure food, yet when it comes to our spirits, our bodies, our very being.... purity seems to mean very little.
Most television shows and movies, even the ones rated G, send messages that completely contradict or even mock the message chastity the bible so clearly defines.
I believe Sarah Mally hit the nail on the head in her book "Before You Meet Prince Charming".
Let me share with you the tale of two Amandas. The first Amanda, is myself. The second Amanda is a dear friend of mine. Last Friday, we gathered together to have a nice time of fellowship while our children played together. Amanda was telling me about the book, The Princess and the Kiss, she is using as a tool to help teach her daughter about purity.
This lead into a conversation about our time as single youths.
I grew up knowing sex should be saved for marriage. I knew I needed to "keep pure", but my definition of sex and purity was quite skewed and undefined. I believe this to be the case for many Christians, young and old.
I had my first boyfriend when I was in 6th grade. We held hands. He came over to "hang out" at my house (we played basketball together, that was pretty much it), and we talked on the phone. That was our relationship, and, at the time, it seems innocent enough, but he was the first boyfriend I said, "I love you," to.... and there would be many more to come.
My first "real" kiss came when I was a freshman and highschool. This very same boy tried to pressure me into spending time at his place. "My parents aren't home," the highschool senior grinned. A warning bell went off in my head, and I asked him to drive me home. He dumped me the next day. My heart was broken. Here was what I had considered my first "grown-up" relationship, and it hadn't even lasted a month.
I didn't realize that this was a major thing I would be dealing with in high school. I actually thought most people waited until marriage, or at least until adulthood, but high school definitely opened my eyes to reality.
My high school "career" was also my dating career. I wasn't exactly picky, and I didn't have high standards (or high self-confidence) either. I wouldn't call my teenage-self "boy crazy"- I wasn't constantly scoping out fellas, but if someone asked me out, chances are, I probably accepted.
I can't even count the number of guys I "fell in love with". I was constantly dating someone. My relationships usually lasted anywhere from two weeks to two months.
And, over time, I gave away bits of myself to each of these boys, bits and pieces I can never have back, and regret letting go of.
I've heard so many people say that "dating is necessary", that it's the time when we are to find our "type", explore, get to know people. These are the same people who would tell me, "Your heart will be broken many times, but don't you stop!"
And yes, my heart was broken many, many times. Even though I usually broke off the relationship, I felt my heart was falling to pieces. At fifteen, I was dating to find "the one". I had taken hold of the like that dating is how you find a husband.
Dating nearly ruined my marriage. I had given emotional and physical parts of myself to these guys I had dated before finally finding my spouse. I found myself comparing everything my spouse did- how he rubbed my back, how he spoke when he was angry, how he reacted to certain situations, how romantic he was or wasn't- to my previous boyfriends. I often found myself thinking, "Well, if I would have married so-n-so, life would be so much better. He wouldn't DARE do this or treat me like that!"
[Back then, I didn't know how good I had it!]
My heart and mind were so unfaithful, and because I had shared so many intimate moments with someone(s) other than my husband, these moments were no longer as powerful and amazing and fresh as they should have been.
When I finally realized and understood God's plan in purity, I cried. I felt so filthy and dirty, and was thankful that my husband had stuck by me and loved me, even though my impurity had brought so many issues and problems to our marriage.
I think more than the physical impurity was the emotional impurity. I dare say it was the emotional impurity of my dating life that caused the most chaos in those early years of my marriage. (But of course, emotional impurity does lead to physical impurity!)
So often, I look back and ache over my past- even though I know it is covered by the blood, blotted out and forgiven.
I wish I would have had a better definition of purity and "saving oneself for marriage". I realize this is such a sensitive subject to talk about, and we may feel like it's a conversation to be saved for when our children are teens, but I believe it's something to be discussed while our children are young, when they are in their prime "listening" years- when their heart is truly open and their minds are still moldable. If we haven't planted this seed when they are young, it may, and will probably be, too late when they are preteens or teens.
I wish I would have had a sibling who helped protect my purity. I have heard many stories of brothers who protected their sisters from boys, and I feel most envious! This is something we must teach our sons- not only to be pure, but to protect the purity of their sisters, and of other girls as well.
On the other hand, my friend Amanda had been taught all about purity. Her story is much more simple. She wasn't allowed to date, and any fellow who desired to date her had to ask her father first. The first and only boy she dated, she also married. He is also the first boy she kissed, and the only man (besides her father and grandfather, I'm sure) that she ever told, "I love you."
I love to look to my friend and glean her parenting advice, because I know it is taken from a source that is quite reliable. Her parents raised her well (home schooling her all the way through), watched over her, and expected much of her. They held to their convictions and stood firm, even when she was a teenager.
Now, I don't want you to think that my parents did a horrible job. I know my mom is probably reading this thinking I don't appreciate or understand or remember all their efforts- but I do. There is so much I gather from my own raising.
It's interesting though, because as a child, I thought they were much too strict, and now I feel like they were a little too lenient. Funny how preceptions change as you age! My parents were (and are) very loving. I know they did the best, and really tried to help us understand what it was to live a godly lifestyle. It's actually good that I am able to see what areas I really need to work on with my children to make sure they fully comprehend, knowing that these were things I am sure my parents taught me but that just didn't sink in.
Once I understood what it meant to be pure before God's eyes, my life changed. I stopped comparing my husband to my past boyfriends. I stopped looking outside my marriage for emotional comfort. I began focusing on my husband, loving him, serving him, and relying on him. We began to nourish that intimate bond together, creating a strong marriage and a great friendship.
It's hard not to look back and feel so broken and upset with myself, but God often reminds me that my story is useful and relevant to many today.
I really have more to say on the subject, and hopefully I will get the opportunity. I realize I haven't exactly been diving into the deeper subjects like I use to on this blog.
I think my testimony is certainly one that glorifies God, especially when you look at how filthy, dirty, and hopeless I was. It reminds me that if God can transform me and save me, then He can transform and save anyone!
Excuse any typos- I don't feel like proof reading!
Most television shows and movies, even the ones rated G, send messages that completely contradict or even mock the message chastity the bible so clearly defines.
I believe Sarah Mally hit the nail on the head in her book "Before You Meet Prince Charming".
Being reserved for one includes not only physical purity but emotional purity as well. This requires guarding our hearts, our minds, our thoughts, our words, our emotions, and our eyes. It means saving that close, intimate friendship for one man only, avoiding premature emotional attachments, and staying free from the intimate bonds that can form so easily, but are then painful to dissolve. Emotional purity includes guarding our eyes from those “fun” romantic glances and stares, keeping our hearts from being poured out until the right time, and taking captive thoughts that want to run wild with fantasies and dreams.
Let me share with you the tale of two Amandas. The first Amanda, is myself. The second Amanda is a dear friend of mine. Last Friday, we gathered together to have a nice time of fellowship while our children played together. Amanda was telling me about the book, The Princess and the Kiss, she is using as a tool to help teach her daughter about purity.
This lead into a conversation about our time as single youths.
I grew up knowing sex should be saved for marriage. I knew I needed to "keep pure", but my definition of sex and purity was quite skewed and undefined. I believe this to be the case for many Christians, young and old.
I had my first boyfriend when I was in 6th grade. We held hands. He came over to "hang out" at my house (we played basketball together, that was pretty much it), and we talked on the phone. That was our relationship, and, at the time, it seems innocent enough, but he was the first boyfriend I said, "I love you," to.... and there would be many more to come.
My first "real" kiss came when I was a freshman and highschool. This very same boy tried to pressure me into spending time at his place. "My parents aren't home," the highschool senior grinned. A warning bell went off in my head, and I asked him to drive me home. He dumped me the next day. My heart was broken. Here was what I had considered my first "grown-up" relationship, and it hadn't even lasted a month.
I didn't realize that this was a major thing I would be dealing with in high school. I actually thought most people waited until marriage, or at least until adulthood, but high school definitely opened my eyes to reality.
My high school "career" was also my dating career. I wasn't exactly picky, and I didn't have high standards (or high self-confidence) either. I wouldn't call my teenage-self "boy crazy"- I wasn't constantly scoping out fellas, but if someone asked me out, chances are, I probably accepted.
I can't even count the number of guys I "fell in love with". I was constantly dating someone. My relationships usually lasted anywhere from two weeks to two months.
And, over time, I gave away bits of myself to each of these boys, bits and pieces I can never have back, and regret letting go of.
I've heard so many people say that "dating is necessary", that it's the time when we are to find our "type", explore, get to know people. These are the same people who would tell me, "Your heart will be broken many times, but don't you stop!"
And yes, my heart was broken many, many times. Even though I usually broke off the relationship, I felt my heart was falling to pieces. At fifteen, I was dating to find "the one". I had taken hold of the like that dating is how you find a husband.
Dating nearly ruined my marriage. I had given emotional and physical parts of myself to these guys I had dated before finally finding my spouse. I found myself comparing everything my spouse did- how he rubbed my back, how he spoke when he was angry, how he reacted to certain situations, how romantic he was or wasn't- to my previous boyfriends. I often found myself thinking, "Well, if I would have married so-n-so, life would be so much better. He wouldn't DARE do this or treat me like that!"
[Back then, I didn't know how good I had it!]
My heart and mind were so unfaithful, and because I had shared so many intimate moments with someone(s) other than my husband, these moments were no longer as powerful and amazing and fresh as they should have been.
When I finally realized and understood God's plan in purity, I cried. I felt so filthy and dirty, and was thankful that my husband had stuck by me and loved me, even though my impurity had brought so many issues and problems to our marriage.
I think more than the physical impurity was the emotional impurity. I dare say it was the emotional impurity of my dating life that caused the most chaos in those early years of my marriage. (But of course, emotional impurity does lead to physical impurity!)
So often, I look back and ache over my past- even though I know it is covered by the blood, blotted out and forgiven.
I wish I would have had a better definition of purity and "saving oneself for marriage". I realize this is such a sensitive subject to talk about, and we may feel like it's a conversation to be saved for when our children are teens, but I believe it's something to be discussed while our children are young, when they are in their prime "listening" years- when their heart is truly open and their minds are still moldable. If we haven't planted this seed when they are young, it may, and will probably be, too late when they are preteens or teens.
I wish I would have had a sibling who helped protect my purity. I have heard many stories of brothers who protected their sisters from boys, and I feel most envious! This is something we must teach our sons- not only to be pure, but to protect the purity of their sisters, and of other girls as well.
On the other hand, my friend Amanda had been taught all about purity. Her story is much more simple. She wasn't allowed to date, and any fellow who desired to date her had to ask her father first. The first and only boy she dated, she also married. He is also the first boy she kissed, and the only man (besides her father and grandfather, I'm sure) that she ever told, "I love you."
I love to look to my friend and glean her parenting advice, because I know it is taken from a source that is quite reliable. Her parents raised her well (home schooling her all the way through), watched over her, and expected much of her. They held to their convictions and stood firm, even when she was a teenager.
Now, I don't want you to think that my parents did a horrible job. I know my mom is probably reading this thinking I don't appreciate or understand or remember all their efforts- but I do. There is so much I gather from my own raising.
It's interesting though, because as a child, I thought they were much too strict, and now I feel like they were a little too lenient. Funny how preceptions change as you age! My parents were (and are) very loving. I know they did the best, and really tried to help us understand what it was to live a godly lifestyle. It's actually good that I am able to see what areas I really need to work on with my children to make sure they fully comprehend, knowing that these were things I am sure my parents taught me but that just didn't sink in.
Once I understood what it meant to be pure before God's eyes, my life changed. I stopped comparing my husband to my past boyfriends. I stopped looking outside my marriage for emotional comfort. I began focusing on my husband, loving him, serving him, and relying on him. We began to nourish that intimate bond together, creating a strong marriage and a great friendship.
It's hard not to look back and feel so broken and upset with myself, but God often reminds me that my story is useful and relevant to many today.
I really have more to say on the subject, and hopefully I will get the opportunity. I realize I haven't exactly been diving into the deeper subjects like I use to on this blog.
I think my testimony is certainly one that glorifies God, especially when you look at how filthy, dirty, and hopeless I was. It reminds me that if God can transform me and save me, then He can transform and save anyone!
Excuse any typos- I don't feel like proof reading!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Put the HOME in home education.
I absolutely LOVED this post from Large Family Mothering. As homeschooling parents, we have chosen to put more emphasis on life skills rather than the institutional definition of education.
This means involving even out youngest munchkins in the day to day activities of life- cleaning, baking, cooking, rearranging, serving others, etc..... instead of waiting until they are teenagers and need to be learning these things before they get married, go to college, or move out on their own. If we blend it in as part of every day life and education, their leaving home will be more of a seamless transition, rather than shocking chaos!
Here's an excerpt from her post:
[This is exactly how I felt!]
Here's the link, so you can read the whole entry.... and poke around her blog some more. She has some great posts!
This means involving even out youngest munchkins in the day to day activities of life- cleaning, baking, cooking, rearranging, serving others, etc..... instead of waiting until they are teenagers and need to be learning these things before they get married, go to college, or move out on their own. If we blend it in as part of every day life and education, their leaving home will be more of a seamless transition, rather than shocking chaos!
Here's an excerpt from her post:
I remember well how my counselors in high school puffed me up—how I scored so high on my SAT’s I was told I could skip my freshman year—and yet when I moved out on my own I felt so inept! Dealing with a home, a husband and a new baby wanted to totally overwhelm me. I was like a rabbit, wanting to run at any noise or disturbance.
I was an educated ignoramus.
[This is exactly how I felt!]
Here's the link, so you can read the whole entry.... and poke around her blog some more. She has some great posts!
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